Loss of a Loved One

The call came one Sunday afternoon. I always expected it to come in the middle of the night. I think everybody does. My wife and I knew the time was nearing. Her dad was 87 and was lucky to have lived a full life especially considering his health. Though he was always very physically active, genetic heart problems plagued him for years.

Within seconds of taking the call, my wife started crying, “No, no.” And I knew.

The pain from the loss of a loved one hits and hits hard. Those initial few days and even weeks don’t seem real. We often experience overwhelming emotions and wonder if we’ll ever feel “normal” again. It can be the most empty feeling in the world.

Common Grief Symptoms

• Disbelief and Shock are common. One day your loved one is there and the next they are gone. It won’t seem real that you won’t ever see them again. These feelings can linger for months.
• Sadness is the most common feeling. The impact of loss leaves you feeling empty and alone.
• Guilt creeps in for some after a loss over the things you said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do while your loved one was alive. If they were ill for a long time, you may feel guilty at feeling relieved that they finally passed away.
• Anger can show up at any time. Anger at yourself, your loved one, the doctors, or God for what has happened. You may not even know why you’re angry or who you’re angry at, the feelings just overtake you.
• Fear can sometimes overwhelm. This can come in many stages and forms—fear of being alone, fear of the future, insecurity, fears about your mortality. Panic attacks are not uncommon.
• Physical symptoms such as weight loss, weight gain, nausea, insomnia and miscellaneous aches and pains are common.

The 5 Stages of Grief

The psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the 5 stages of grief in 1969 in her book On Death and Dying . Like all aspects of grief, these stages are not always experienced in order, nor are all stages experienced by everyone. You may not go through any of these stages. And that’s ok.

1. Denial: It’s normal to deny the death of a loved one. The emotions are overwhelming and new initially. This is a temporary response.

2. Anger: “How can this be happening to me?” This intense feeling of anger can be directed at anyone including friends, relatives, strangers, the doctor, and even the deceased.

3. Bargaining: “Make it go away and I’ll….”

4. Depression: This symptom can be anything from worrying about the funeral to dreading the thought of continuing without this person.

5. Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss.

Coping with Grief

Because we all grieve differently, there is no magic cure for getting over a loss. But there are ways to help you cope, making the process a little easier.

Family and Friends can provide great emotional assistance. They can provide a shoulder to cry on, laughter, and can restore feelings of sanity. Even just their presence can provide comfort and a feeling of humanity that you can’t get by yourself.

Your loved ones can also help with funeral arrangements, act as “gatekeepers” at your home, and even help you make difficult decisions, especially when you’re not thinking clearly.

Your faith can be your closest friend in a time of loss. If you’re a member of a church, your pastor, priest or rabbi can be a comforting presence in time of doubt. Go to church, pray, meditate.

Talk to a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief. These professionals can provide ways to cope with your grief.

Don’t avoid or try to block your feelings. Let the pain, loss, sadness, and other feelings come. These feelings are natural and part of the healing process. You may still cry a year later when something reminds you of your loved one. That’s ok.

Keep tabs on your physical health. With some much emphasis on your emotional being, your body is often neglected. But eating well and exercising can help improve your emotional state.